1 Month

I didn't do anything special for Maya's one month birthday, but Justin did get me a present "just because". I guess, if you want to give it a reason or justify the fact that I got a gift and not Maya, you could say it's the one month anniversary of me being a mom. Which it is. (Because she was born at the very same moment that I became a mother. What a coincidence!) You could also say, "What one-month-old needs a birthday gift?" And I would totally back you up.

She outgrew newborn diapers this week. She smiles every day and even sometimes laughs or talks. Pooping is still a big ordeal for her - it takes all her strength and concentration. Her eyes are still blue and her hair is still brown, though it's lighter and longer than it was when she was born. She's great in the car as long as the car is moving. I'm pretty sure she'll be walking as early as next week because holy cow, the girl's got some leg power.

I think all the sleep I haven't been getting in the last month has slowly compounded and has now caught up with me. She started out sleeping pretty well at night, only waking up to eat. Now, I think she may be trying to kill us a little bit.

But, hey, what is parenthood if you're well-rested? There's a word for that, and it's called heaven. And you don't get that kind of heaven in this life. (Or so it seems.) The kind of heaven you get here involves watching your baby's eyes light up every morning when she sees you, her tiny hand grasping your finger, and your husband getting you gifts just because he loves you and telling you you're the strongest and most beautiful woman alive because you are the mother of his child.

So, here I am, nursing my one month old baby at 11:30 at night, because she's starving after eating all day. I'm just praying she'll go back to sleep after this so I can close my own heavy eyelids for a while. If not, I'll have a date with Netflix over the final season of HIMYM that just posted. It's basically a win-win for me, really.

When I look at pictures of her from that first week, when we were still in the hospital, I can't believe how much she's grown since then. One month seemed forever away when I still had that tiny newborn in my arms. Now we're here, and she's pretty much the same as she was but she's not the same at all.

Since I can't stop her from growing anyway, I'm excited to watch her grow, to watch her learn and live and become who she was meant to be.

One month down and we're all still alive. I'd say that's good enough for now, wouldn't you?

A Birth Story (of Sorts)

I was scheduled to be induced on Monday, August 25 at 12:01am.

That did not happen.

Maya was born at 41 weeks and a day, on Sunday, August 24 at 10:02pm. She weighed 7lbs 5oz and was 20.5" long.

At dinner Saturday night, a stranger said his daughter was due in September and he guessed I was due in October. "No, I'm actually a week overdue today." We all laughed and decided his incorrect guess was a compliment. It is, right?

I got basically no sleep on Saturday night thanks to contractions. I was monitoring them using an app on my phone, because how else does anyone do anything these days? I wasn't supposed to go to the hospital until my contractions were 2-5 minutes apart, and I certainly wasn't going to get trigger happy and end up being sent home.

So, Sunday around 4:45pm, my contractions were averaging 4 minutes apart. Not only did they really hurt, but I was feeling a lot of pressure during each one. It no longer mattered to me if they sent me home, and that's how I knew it really was time to go.

When we arrived at the hospital at 5:15pm, we got the last big room available. Fist pump! As the nurse was getting me all strapped in, I was just hoping I'd be dilated to at least a 3, maybe a 4 if I was lucky. So, when she checked me and said I was at a 5 and fully effaced, we were stoked! We alerted the media and waited for my IV and epidural.

After my epidural, it only took about 2 hours for me to be complete and ready to push. My doctor wasn't on call that day, but she came in and delivered my baby anyway because she's the best. I pushed for 35 minutes, which I hear is no time at all for a first baby. This part of the process was the best. It was so bizarre/awesome/crazy to feel her move lower and lower with each push, and to eventually feel her head, then body, be born. The doctor handed her to me and I held her on my chest. She was beautiful and warm and slimy. Out of all her family in the room, she was the only one not crying. Justin cut the umbilical cord, which I had completely forgotten about until I watched him do it.

They asked me if it was okay for them to take her and clean her up. Justin and I had previously discussed how I might feel forgotten or ignored after she was born since she would be getting instant attention and I'd just be laying there by myself, now separated from our new little baby for the first time. I completely forgot about that, too, but Justin didn't. He stayed right next to me, holding my hand. That's when it hit me: she needs us! One of us needs to be with her! I told him he could go to her, and he asked if I'd be okay if he did. "Yes, go!" And then that thing happened like in cartoons where he was gone so fast that all that was left was a big cloud of dust in his place.

I'll admit that I looked at the placenta out of curiosity. Won't be doing that again. I will never ever understand what compels some people to eat those things. Sorry if you're one of those people, except I'm not sorry that I find it disgusting.

I tore a little on the inside, and on Tuesday we discovered I had retained membranes. Conveniently, my doctor was already there delivering another baby. Initially, Maya's bilirubin levels were too high, so I was having to feed her every 2 hours. As soon as she was in the clear on that, her blood sugar level was too low, and she eventually had to be taken to the NICU and put on an IV. This was about as much as our hearts could take. She was on a 3-hour feeding schedule then. Thankfully, she was released less than 24 hours later, and we were both discharged on Wednesday night.

It's a good thing we had a big room, because the number of visitors we had at any given time filled the place. My hospital bag was overpacked, even though I packed light. I didn't expect to use my makeup, but putting some on before we left the hospital might've made me feel a little more human. Before Maya was born, I wanted my first meal post-delivery to be McDonald's. It was, courtesy of Justin's dad, and let me just say that a Big Mac and sweet tea really hit the spot when you're no longer concerned about how much of it is crossing the placenta you no longer have.

Our hospital is contracted with Baby Bloom Photography, so they came in and took newborn shots of Maya. After they were done, they edited the photos and played them for us in a slideshow with music and all. This, my friends, is the easiest way to get a brand new daddy to sign over everything he owns.

"The first of many purchases I'll be making for her."

While there were a few concerns for both Maya and me, it was still an amazing experience. The best experience. And yes, pregnancy can be stressful and last forever. Yes, contractions hurt. My body became foreign, and it will never be the same. I'm exhausted, and I get frustrated at 2am when I'm begging Maya to sleep. I still don't fit my non-maternity jeans. My roots are out of control. Just when I thought I might be getting back to some kind of normal, UTIs and hemorrhoids show up and remind me of the trauma my body recently experienced. I've woken up with dried baby poop on my stomach and not a single day has gone by that breastmilk and spit-up haven't tainted my shirt.

BUT. I would give up my old self and my old life a million times for what I have now.

All the cons still don't out weight the pros. I've always seen life as a give and take. A 50/50 trade. Then I had a baby, and now I'm certain that the trade is not even at all. Big picture: you sacrifice a lot to gain a lot more.

HAVE ALL THE BABIES

My baby is almost a month old. I've been a mom for almost a month, though I didn't feel like one at first. I love her so deeply, but I still don't quite understand my feelings for her. I think of how much God loves her, how much He loves me, and I find myself thinking of how limiting the human body is. My little heart grew bigger than I can even measure and it's still not big enough to hold these emotions.

Every day, I watch Maya taking in the world. She's started to smile (for reasons other than peeing or passing gas) and I'm pretty sure her legs are already stronger than mine. Watching her stretch when she wakes up is basically the highlight of my day. I can't wait to get to know her personality. In the hospital, two different nurses said, "She just knows what she wants," which sounds a bit scary at first, but, hey, a self-assured child who isn't afraid to tell you what she wants is a recipe for success. She might just make our job easy and practically raise herself. Score!

I don't know how most people are, but I'd guess they don't leave the hospital enthusiastically telling the nursing staff, "See you next year!" That's not actually the plan. The year after that, though. [insert winky face here] We loved the process so much, and even the crazy night schedule hasn't deterred our excitement about jumping back into baby-having. If you think we're nuts, or naive, I totally get it. I see how we look. But even with all the stressful and scary moments, this is the best thing we've ever done. I feel more like myself than I ever have. (Though I'd really like to get my hair done or something... I'm at borderline hobo status most of the time, which I'd like to believe is not anywhere close to the real me.) Maybe we're just those kind of people that are in love with having babies. Maybe we'll have ten kids. Lol, jk, smiley face, haha.

No, not ten. Like, eight, tops.

No, no. Really. Only six. Sixteen. No! No.

But I will say I don't know how people have twins. I'd hire a nurse. No, I'd hire a scientist to clone me.

We have yet to take our first trip to Walmart, even though we're out of a ton of stuff. I'm a little afraid to take my not-even-a-month-old baby to Walmart, though, if I'm honest. This probably means the time has finally come when we do what we've said we wanted to do forever and start shopping at Target instead. To make myself feel better about spending a little more on our household items, I'll definitely be making the first thing on my shopping list a huge mocha frappuccino. That's right. Because Walmart just has McDonald's and ain't nobody got time for that. Plus, Walmart is always out of a bunch of stuff I use, so I'm putting my foot down!

I was going to write a post about Maya's birth story, which I still should probably do while it's all fresh on my mind. It would also be a nice break from all the chores I haven't been doing and all the HIMYM I've been watching. (Had to start from the beginning, obviously. I'm about seven episodes away from needing a new show to watch.) Every day that passes gets me a little closer to being human again, and not so zombie-hobo. For now, I'll go eat a piece of the cheesecake Justin bought me and finish watching HIMYM before Maya wakes up. Pfft. Babies are so needy.

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Postpartum depression hit me like a ton of bricks the night we brought Maya home. It would be another week before I admitted it really was PPD and not just the "baby blues" or me simply being exhausted and emotional. I've come a long way since then, though it's still hard for me to admit. However, I feel like there are too many young women just like me who are having babies to keep something like that private. I thought about putting my experience with it in a post of its own. I needed to know I wasn't alone, and I want to be able to give that to someone else.

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