15 Weeks

Being pregnant is strange, don't you think?

There's totally a baby in there.

Today I am technically 15 weeks and a day, but I don't think that day makes a significant difference. (Maybe it does, though. I did not look like this two weeks ago.) It was pretty chilly outside when this photo was taken, especially in the shade with bare feet on the cold ground. I reminded myself that this will be one of the few bump pics in which I won't be sweating. (This advice to self didn't really help.) I didn't take a photo last week because I was feeling all blasé about taking a picture of a non-bump. I took one at 13 weeks, though, and that picture compared to this one has really shown me how fast this thing happens. You wake up one day looking bloated and you go to sleep that night looking pregnant.

Thursday, I went to the doctor because I was miserable with a cold/sinus infection thing. I was coughing my lungs out and my head was full of pain and my body hurt and I was sleeping NONE. Doc said it was irritation from ragweed, and that even though I don't have allergies, it can still bring a girl down. So, my almost-sinus infection was super rude all weekend, hanging out where it was clearly not wanted, but I have some antibiotics that have helped a bunch. Luckily, 'cause I really didn't want to go to the doctor obviously miserable and walk away with nothing more than a pat on the head.

Today, I've been teetering between feeling much better and not feeling better at all. I spent most of the day deep diving in Etsy and Pinterest looking for awesome things related to baby, because nothing really brightens up your day like seeing your mini-bump basically for the first time.

Our next appointment is the on the 18th. This is the day they'll schedule the next ultrasound, which means... We'll find out whether it's a little lady or gent that's causing that mini-bump! We were initially planning on having a gender reveal party, and those are all the rage these days. But, with every day that's gone by, we've become less and less willing to wait even a second longer than necessary to find out who's in this belly o' mine.

When we find out, I'm certain it will mark the end of me spending money on anything but that baby for the rest of my life.

............

Some Etsy faves from today:

 1. mermaid blanket
2. skull shoes
3. star mobile
4. hair clips
5. baseball dress
6. shark towel

I'm on a girl kick. What can I say?

Perspective

Two weeks ago, I was in planning mode. I survive on lists, and I was making only about a thousand of them. Since I haven't had a baby yet, I have nothing for babies. I decided I needed to research my heart out and make enough checklists for a lifetime. You know, so I would be prepared.

A week ago, I was exhausted. I had so many lists and so much information that I was stressed. Too stressed to keep it up. I threw away the mental list I had for all the lists I wanted to make. I was giving up, but not in the sense that I failed somehow to meet my goals. I gave up the ridiculous idea that I had to map it all out. Yes, I function better and accomplish more with lists. Yes, this is my first baby, and being overwhelmed is not a new or uncommon feeling. But making all these plans about what to do and when to do them (and so much more) is not even close to enjoyable. Not when there are so many things I can't plan yet.

This became about so much more than getting things done or being prepared. This became about how much I have to do still and how long I have to wait to do some things. It became about me and how stressed I am and how, out of 35,667 things to do before August, I can only do 3 of them now. It stopped being about how I'M HAVING A BABY. Hello! Perspective!

I had this same issue when deciding whether or not to have an epidural. Eventually, it became all about me and the stress and the pain and can I even do this and I know I won't want to do this and how strong I am and how the majority of planet Earth will not support my decision or help me to follow through. How do I change my mind without feeling like I've given up? Without feeling like I failed my baby before we even started this gig?

So, I decided to have one if they'll let me. And when I did, a HUGE weight was lifted off of me. Instantly, I realized how I had forgotten about the whole meeting-my-baby-for-the-first-time thing. I was surprised at how relieved I felt. I expected to feel disappointed, but I was more disappointed in the fact that I completely lost perspective. The whole debate had distracted me so much that I didn't even see how distracted I was. Ever since, when I think about the delivery, I wonder what it will be like to meet my baby instead of how much pain I'll be able to handle.

Really, that's one thing that has surprised me more than anything in this experience so far: You don't have to be perfect. My baby will not develop a third arm because I WAY overdid it on the (decaf) sweet tea yesterday. I will not be branded as a horrible mother because I don't make my own baby food. The world will not end if I have an epidural, okay? It just won't.

When I look back on my wedding and all the planning that took place, I mentally high-five my former self and all my friends and family. We totally did it, and it was totally rad. It wasn't a stressful experience. It was fun. Sure, there were some stressful moments, but I have to actually think about those. Someday, when I look back on my first pregnancy, I don't want to remember how stressful it was. I want to be able to mentally high-five myself again.

My baby won't ever thank me for having a stress-free pregnancy. But it he/she won't thank me for my attempt at perfection, either.

You're doin' fine, girl. Really.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day (or Friday, depending on who you ask.)

People have been talking a lot about Valentine's Day lately, naturally. Being a holiday lover, I've been really looking forward to it. Not in the sense that I'm hoping I have a super expensive and fancy date night or something, but in theory I'd like to make heart-shaped, love-themed everything and eat chocolate just because.

The thing I realized today, though, is that VALENTINE'S DAY IS TOMORROW and I am completely unprepared. Let's ignore the fact that I'll be at work during the day and won't have time to decorate a house in red, pink, and hearts just for the heck of it. I can assure you that I will not be waking up extra early to make heart-shaped pancakes or pink milk. (I'd have to wake up extra extra early to go to the store, because we are fresh out of milk.) I should also mention how dead I'd be if I ate nothing but sugary food and candy all day. That's not a good way to spend V-Day at all!

Does this make me the Valentine's Scrooge? I don't think so. I don't want to be branded as the Scrooge of anything, especially a holiday revolving around love. And, really, do you have to make your own themed cookies in order to love a holiday? No. No, you don't.

You totally don't have to be a baker to rock V-Day! Romance isn't just dinner and a movie. It's knowing who a person is, knowing what they like, and treating them just because you love them. I'd rather go to a theme park than have dinner by candlelight any day. (How could you possibly see by candlelight anyway? Which reminds me of how dark restaurants are getting these days. Seriously.)

The handmade gifts and cards and love notes, the home-cooked meals, the evenings curled up on the couch with ice cream - These mean much more to me than any fancy dinner ever has.

I'd swoon over being surprised with sweet tea. I'm not easy to please, per se. I just make it easy to please me.

What's your idea of romance? Are you more excited about V-Day or Friday?

On Food & Being Psychic

Nausea is kicking in again these last few days. What's funny, though, is that I'm finally starting to be interested in food. I was concerned there for a while that I would be repulsed by everything forever. And by "concerned" I mean devastated. My "cravings" were really just the only foods I could think about eating and not be disgusted.

 

It's kinda funny (and also incredibly tragic) how pregnancy can take a committed food lover and break her down into less than an eat-to-live survivalist.

 

I mean, baby needs more than potatoes, even though they are easily classified as their own food group in mama's eyes.

 

I've had to up my bedtime, or, really, give myself a bedtime at all, which is about as lame as it gets. No, no it's not. Having to up my bedtime again is as lame as it gets. I've been putting it off because of the lameness, but I can only be late to work so many times before I admit that the problem is not the traffic. It's that I need 3000 hours of sleep a day.

 

We recently finished watching Dexter (terrible ending) and started this video game about supernatural beings living normalish lives where you've gotta do some murder solving. I've always had crazy/vivid dreams anyway, but vivid dreams + serial killer shows/games + being pregnant = CRAZY REAL DREAMS about people being in your house at night and in your room and people being pregnant with octopuses and being surrogates for dolphins and even dreams about things that haven't happened yet. Then I get this déjà vu moment where I know I've seen this before even though I couldn't have, and I wonder if I'm crazy or psychic or what.

 

And it occurs to me that you have to be a bit crazy to be anything awesome, including pregnant and psychic.

HOLY CRAP THERE'S A BABY IN THERE

Baby Straily, due August 2014

I'm only 13 weeks in tomorrow, and this is already the best experience of my life.

No one tells you how amazing it is. They tell you to wait. They say it's hard. They tell you that you'll never sleep again and you'll worry constantly and that your entire life will change. You'll sacrifice all your energy and money and time on a child that will poop on you and ruin everything you own and probably tell you they hate you at some point. So why doesn't this stop anyone from having babies?

Because what they aren't telling you is HOLY CRAP THERE'S A BABY IN THERE and HOLY CRAP THAT'S MY BABY IN THERE and I JUST HEARD MY BABY'S HEARTBEAT OMG MY HEART JUST EXPLODED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AAAAHAAAHHGHAHAH!

And this is why, despite income or living arrangements or I guess we should get a better car now, it's always a good time to have a baby. Maybe I'm human and maybe sometimes I'll forget the beautiful thing that's happening to me and focus on the financial burden or how tired I am already or how hard this will be. Hopefully, those moments are few and far between. (Or nonexistent.)

Because I'm having a baby with this guy I really love, and we love this baby so much already that I think we might explode.



I wish I could've taken a video of the ultrasound. I wish I could've recorded our little baby kicking and flipping around and getting the hiccups. I thought I would cry, but I mostly just laughed. I mean, what the heck?! My baby's in there!

It's totally just chillin' and sleeping and hiccupping and lounging and dancing. It has no idea how loved it is. (Or maybe it does. Maybe this is a Baby Genius situation and it - he? she? - is just taking mental notes of how crazy we are before it meets us.)

I feel like I've read every pregnancy blog and article on the whole internet, and I just had to stop. Eventually, you just read the same things over and over again, and you learn that everything you're experiencing is normal and also none of it is.

I don't even mind admitting how unseasoned I am at this parenting thing, this being my first baby and all. I don't need all the answers. (I'm not sure anyone ever gets them anyway.) I have breasts to feed it and arms to hold it and lips to kiss it, and that's all I really need.

 

 

 

 

(Someone please remind me of that often.)