Two weeks ago, I was in planning mode. I survive on lists, and I was making only about a thousand of them. Since I haven't had a baby yet, I have nothing for babies. I decided I needed to research my heart out and make enough checklists for a lifetime. You know, so I would be prepared.
A week ago, I was exhausted. I had so many lists and so much information that I was stressed. Too stressed to keep it up. I threw away the mental list I had for all the lists I wanted to make. I was giving up, but not in the sense that I failed somehow to meet my goals. I gave up the ridiculous idea that I had to map it all out. Yes, I function better and accomplish more with lists. Yes, this is my first baby, and being overwhelmed is not a new or uncommon feeling. But making all these plans about what to do and when to do them (and so much more) is not even close to enjoyable. Not when there are so many things I can't plan yet.
This became about so much more than getting things done or being prepared. This became about how much I have to do still and how long I have to wait to do some things. It became about me and how stressed I am and how, out of 35,667 things to do before August, I can only do 3 of them now. It stopped being about how I'M HAVING A BABY. Hello! Perspective!
I had this same issue when deciding whether or not to have an epidural. Eventually, it became all about me and the stress and the pain and can I even do this and I know I won't want to do this and how strong I am and how the majority of planet Earth will not support my decision or help me to follow through. How do I change my mind without feeling like I've given up? Without feeling like I failed my baby before we even started this gig?
So, I decided to have one if they'll let me. And when I did, a HUGE weight was lifted off of me. Instantly, I realized how I had forgotten about the whole meeting-my-baby-for-the-first-time thing. I was surprised at how relieved I felt. I expected to feel disappointed, but I was more disappointed in the fact that I completely lost perspective. The whole debate had distracted me so much that I didn't even see how distracted I was. Ever since, when I think about the delivery, I wonder what it will be like to meet my baby instead of how much pain I'll be able to handle.
Really, that's one thing that has surprised me more than anything in this experience so far: You don't have to be perfect. My baby will not develop a third arm because I WAY overdid it on the (decaf) sweet tea yesterday. I will not be branded as a horrible mother because I don't make my own baby food. The world will not end if I have an epidural, okay? It just won't.
When I look back on my wedding and all the planning that took place, I mentally high-five my former self and all my friends and family. We totally did it, and it was totally rad. It wasn't a stressful experience. It was fun. Sure, there were some stressful moments, but I have to actually think about those. Someday, when I look back on my first pregnancy, I don't want to remember how stressful it was. I want to be able to mentally high-five myself again.
My baby won't ever thank me for having a stress-free pregnancy. Butit he/she won't thank me for my attempt at perfection, either.
You're doin' fine, girl. Really.
A week ago, I was exhausted. I had so many lists and so much information that I was stressed. Too stressed to keep it up. I threw away the mental list I had for all the lists I wanted to make. I was giving up, but not in the sense that I failed somehow to meet my goals. I gave up the ridiculous idea that I had to map it all out. Yes, I function better and accomplish more with lists. Yes, this is my first baby, and being overwhelmed is not a new or uncommon feeling. But making all these plans about what to do and when to do them (and so much more) is not even close to enjoyable. Not when there are so many things I can't plan yet.
This became about so much more than getting things done or being prepared. This became about how much I have to do still and how long I have to wait to do some things. It became about me and how stressed I am and how, out of 35,667 things to do before August, I can only do 3 of them now. It stopped being about how I'M HAVING A BABY. Hello! Perspective!
I had this same issue when deciding whether or not to have an epidural. Eventually, it became all about me and the stress and the pain and can I even do this and I know I won't want to do this and how strong I am and how the majority of planet Earth will not support my decision or help me to follow through. How do I change my mind without feeling like I've given up? Without feeling like I failed my baby before we even started this gig?
So, I decided to have one if they'll let me. And when I did, a HUGE weight was lifted off of me. Instantly, I realized how I had forgotten about the whole meeting-my-baby-for-the-first-time thing. I was surprised at how relieved I felt. I expected to feel disappointed, but I was more disappointed in the fact that I completely lost perspective. The whole debate had distracted me so much that I didn't even see how distracted I was. Ever since, when I think about the delivery, I wonder what it will be like to meet my baby instead of how much pain I'll be able to handle.
Really, that's one thing that has surprised me more than anything in this experience so far: You don't have to be perfect. My baby will not develop a third arm because I WAY overdid it on the (decaf) sweet tea yesterday. I will not be branded as a horrible mother because I don't make my own baby food. The world will not end if I have an epidural, okay? It just won't.
When I look back on my wedding and all the planning that took place, I mentally high-five my former self and all my friends and family. We totally did it, and it was totally rad. It wasn't a stressful experience. It was fun. Sure, there were some stressful moments, but I have to actually think about those. Someday, when I look back on my first pregnancy, I don't want to remember how stressful it was. I want to be able to mentally high-five myself again.
My baby won't ever thank me for having a stress-free pregnancy. But
You're doin' fine, girl. Really.
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