April & May in Moments

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My Strong-Willed Child Isn't Scary (Anymore)

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This article was originally posted on TheBLT, where I'm a guest columnist.

If you've met Maya, or if you've read anything about her on my blog, you know she's been strong-willed from day one. Literal day one, her first day on earth as a social security card-carrying human being. This, especially to a person with no children, was terrifying. Okay, it wasn't terrifying, but nearly. My first reaction was a mixture of fear and pride. Pride, because I figured she was more likely to achieve her own goals throughout life. Fear, because that pretty much blows all of my parenting knowledge out of the water. Fear, because her being more likely to achieve her goals might mean I have to lose a few more battles than I initially thought. Fear, because I assume most of her childhood would be one big power struggle between us.

Maybe God knew what He was doing when He made my first child "spirited". (God? Having a plan? Bahahahaha! Good one.) I think we can all agree that parenting can be terrifying no matter how you look at it. Every child needs direction, "spirited" or otherwise. When you think about it further—which, of course, I do—it might actually be easier to have a child that is self-propelled. Maybe not easier for everyone, but certainly for some, including myself.

I'm certain that one day, I'll exclaim to the heavens, demanding to know what I did to deserve such cruel punishment. But maybe I won't! Maybe, I'll remember these times and bite my tongue, and instead thank God for giving me at least one child that will live deliberately.

Read the article in its entirety here.

A Moment of Peace

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...Which I ruin, of course, with all this thinking.


A day of constant setbacks and interruptions has ultimately led me to where I am now: in my bed at 5:06pm next to a (finally) sleeping toddler and feeling the strong kicks and somersaults of a very awake bump-baby. I have a load of dishes to do, and clean laundry covers the living room furniture, but I'm not jumping up to go anywhere just yet.

I'll get up soon and be mamamaid (which is kinda like a mermaid but not nearly as gorgeous or glamorous or graceful), but I was taken out of my zone by a sudden moment of peacefulness. Peace is rare these days. (Or is it? I don't know. I haven't had much time to stop and think about it.) I don't want to miss a valuable moment, even if it risks me falling asleep and accomplishing nothing. (Because I'm so tired, guys. I think prego-bod is starting to get to me. My brain is all crazy, my body hurts, my abs are borderline useless now. I need bath bombs and delicious food and to sleep in just once.)

1000 parentheses later & I eventually get back to my point. (Which was...?)

Those who know her best would argue that there is no such thing as peace when Maya is around, and I wouldn't disagree. But baby boy is around, too. Maya is a little too young to know he's here, but he still has his own energy, already. I've started to realize that calm isn't the absence of energy, it's a force all its own.

...Thank God, amirite? Between Maya and me, we have an imbalance in our house. Justin and I balance each other out; Maya tipped the scales. OBVIOUSLY the logical thing to do is bring in another kid and pray to the Good Lord that he's like Justin. So far, observation of the guests at Hotel Reghan would indicate that he is nothing like Maya at all. She explored every inch of this uterus and slept only when absolutely necessary. He tends to chill at the top and stretches and plays, eh, whenever he feels like it. I just knew Maya was gonna be an energetic ball of sunshine. Not to get all hippie on you, but I'm feeling more of a moon vibe from this guy.

Regardless, he'll be his own person just as Maya is her own. I'll do the mom thing like I'm supposed to. I'll hold up my end of the deal and feed him and love him and stuff. However, this time around, I have a few demands in return. I didn't make any demands with Maya at all prior to her birth, and that seems to have been a huge mistake. I may have been naïve then, but I'm no dummy now. Baby #2 is unfortunate in that way, but he actually has it better, I'd say. He restores a balance in energy in our house, and I provide him with a higher level of expertise in caring for babies. Easy peasy.

At the very least, I just need him to distract her. I'm tired of having to undo Maya's rearrangement of the fridge every time I do the dishes, and I already really hate doing the dishes.

But I'll settle for a moment like this every now and then, when it's just me, my two babies, and a little bit of peace.

I Thought Motherhood Was My Calling

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This article was originally posted in April 2016 on TheBLT, where I'm a guest columnist.

I didn't know what motherhood would be like before I became a mom. I had ideas, sure. I had dreams and images, which were enough to make me want to have babies. (That, and, you know... biology.) You hear so many things about being a parent before becoming one. For the most part, everything I heard was true for me. I truly felt like I'd never sleep more than three hours at a time for the rest of my life. At times, I felt much more like a milk machine than a mom. My life is completely different from the way it was before I brought home a baby. The list of things I heard about parenthood that are true only gets longer as time goes on.

And yet, at one point, I was the chick with only pets for kids, hearing these things and believing them. I knew they made sense, and, if so many people say all these same things, there must be truth to them. I just don't know how to explain it now, when a statement can be true and still have basically no meaning until I experienced it. Knowing isn't really knowing when I had been a mom for all of three weeks and I'm thinking, "I'm just a milk machine," like I'm hearing it for the first time.

I say all that to say this: I knew lots about being a mom before becoming a mom, but I was still wrong. About all kinds of stuff. Even when I was right.

"The problem about being right about the fact that I knew I was made to be a mother is that I was subconsciously believing that motherhood is my calling.


I knew that motherhood would be this amazing experience, and that I would never feel like I was fully myself until I added "mom" to my resumé. And I knew that life goes on after having kids. I'm still me and still a person with needs and desires. Even if being a mom was all I needed in life, I'd still eventually end up with an empty nest... and I'd fill my days with something other than diapers and feeding kids and teaching words.

"Only after becoming a mother did I realize that this isn't it. This isn't my thing. I can be a good or even great mom, and it can be one of the most fulfilling parts of my life; but that's not the same as having a driving passion to provide something good to people, even if I don't really know what that is yet."

I realized shortly after that I was so lost before I had a baby. I have a lot more confidence now, even if I don't know what my "calling" is, I am not lost. In fact, I've never been so close to where I want to be. It's just that these babies keep needing things and it's easy to forget that everything is a phase. It's easy to forget that I can feel like I have so many distractions AND still be exactly where I need to be right now, doing what I need to be doing. I mean, kids grow up. They don't live with you forever, right?

...RIGHT?!

Read the article in its entirety here.

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