HAVE ALL THE BABIES

My baby is almost a month old. I've been a mom for almost a month, though I didn't feel like one at first. I love her so deeply, but I still don't quite understand my feelings for her. I think of how much God loves her, how much He loves me, and I find myself thinking of how limiting the human body is. My little heart grew bigger than I can even measure and it's still not big enough to hold these emotions.

Every day, I watch Maya taking in the world. She's started to smile (for reasons other than peeing or passing gas) and I'm pretty sure her legs are already stronger than mine. Watching her stretch when she wakes up is basically the highlight of my day. I can't wait to get to know her personality. In the hospital, two different nurses said, "She just knows what she wants," which sounds a bit scary at first, but, hey, a self-assured child who isn't afraid to tell you what she wants is a recipe for success. She might just make our job easy and practically raise herself. Score!

I don't know how most people are, but I'd guess they don't leave the hospital enthusiastically telling the nursing staff, "See you next year!" That's not actually the plan. The year after that, though. [insert winky face here] We loved the process so much, and even the crazy night schedule hasn't deterred our excitement about jumping back into baby-having. If you think we're nuts, or naive, I totally get it. I see how we look. But even with all the stressful and scary moments, this is the best thing we've ever done. I feel more like myself than I ever have. (Though I'd really like to get my hair done or something... I'm at borderline hobo status most of the time, which I'd like to believe is not anywhere close to the real me.) Maybe we're just those kind of people that are in love with having babies. Maybe we'll have ten kids. Lol, jk, smiley face, haha.

No, not ten. Like, eight, tops.

No, no. Really. Only six. Sixteen. No! No.

But I will say I don't know how people have twins. I'd hire a nurse. No, I'd hire a scientist to clone me.

We have yet to take our first trip to Walmart, even though we're out of a ton of stuff. I'm a little afraid to take my not-even-a-month-old baby to Walmart, though, if I'm honest. This probably means the time has finally come when we do what we've said we wanted to do forever and start shopping at Target instead. To make myself feel better about spending a little more on our household items, I'll definitely be making the first thing on my shopping list a huge mocha frappuccino. That's right. Because Walmart just has McDonald's and ain't nobody got time for that. Plus, Walmart is always out of a bunch of stuff I use, so I'm putting my foot down!

I was going to write a post about Maya's birth story, which I still should probably do while it's all fresh on my mind. It would also be a nice break from all the chores I haven't been doing and all the HIMYM I've been watching. (Had to start from the beginning, obviously. I'm about seven episodes away from needing a new show to watch.) Every day that passes gets me a little closer to being human again, and not so zombie-hobo. For now, I'll go eat a piece of the cheesecake Justin bought me and finish watching HIMYM before Maya wakes up. Pfft. Babies are so needy.

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Postpartum depression hit me like a ton of bricks the night we brought Maya home. It would be another week before I admitted it really was PPD and not just the "baby blues" or me simply being exhausted and emotional. I've come a long way since then, though it's still hard for me to admit. However, I feel like there are too many young women just like me who are having babies to keep something like that private. I thought about putting my experience with it in a post of its own. I needed to know I wasn't alone, and I want to be able to give that to someone else.

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