3 Months

What I meant to say was how bizarre it is that I have a 3-month-old baby, a baby who sometimes seems to understand what I'm saying to her. A baby who looks like an angel when she sleeps, a baby who is too smart for her own good. A baby that doesn't know English but talks all the time anyway.

What I meant to say is how these last three months have been the best of my life. How I wouldn't change them for anything, how I can't wait to do it again.

All of these things are true, but that's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying I have a perfect baby who gets bored easily, who hates car rides at night, and who often fights sleep like it's some sort of punishment. I'm saying that sometimes my food gets cold before I can eat it. I have a 3-month-old baby who has been teething for weeks already. She wants me or her daddy above all, which makes me wonder if we'll ever be able to go anywhere without her ever again.

Before I had her, I knew babies were a lot of work. I knew I'd be tired. I knew I would feel like more like a feeding machine than a person at times. I knew my days would revolve around her and that poop and spit up would become a way of life.

What I didn't know is that there would come a day when I realized I was hanging out with her instead of just caring for her all day. I didn't know I'd wonder why God would trust me with such a thing. I certainly didn't think I'd be too busy marveling at who she is today to cry about how much she's grown.

Your life doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

I finally got a real diaper bag, and I bought some fruit-shaped hair clips on sale for Maya, even though she doesn't quite have enough hair to wear them yet. She still doesn't fit many of her 0-3mo clothes. At this rate, she'll have some nice winter clothes in the spring.

***

I turned 24 yesterday. It feels right, like it's going to be a good year. (I think I say that every year.) Maya and I are sharing a milestone, in a way. It's kind of our thing, you know? My first pregnancy was with her. My first contractions, my first experience delivering a baby... all with her. She made me a mother. And here we are, three months in. We've done a million things together, and I still can't imagine how I ever lived without her smiling at me in the morning and falling asleep on my chest at night. I've almost forgotten who I was before she came along. You know in the Breaking Dawn book when Bella becomes a vampire and all her human memories are fuzzy and dim? It's like that, kinda, but better.

(Don't judge me for the reference. I read, okay?)

Anyway, the bottom line is that I'm different than I was three months ago just as much as she is. And - I'm just gonna put it out there - Justin got super lucky with a wife and baby who both like to watch him play video games.

Diaper Changing & Bonding

Changing diapers doesn't sound like a glamorous task. It sounds stinky and dirty. Gross, even.

What no one talks about is how intimate it is.

Maya loves being changed. She is always happy on the changing table and she talks and laughs and smiles freely while watching you do the dirty work.

When I say, "Hey! I think I found an awesome way for you to bond with her!" People just think I'm trying to pass off changing her diaper myself. I see how it looks. I do. But really, that's not it. Justin changes her in the evenings, and she loves that guy! All I'm sayin' is maybe it's worth it. Maybe changing her diaper helps her associate that grand ol' time with the person doing it. It's bonding with a baby made easy.

You don't have to change her. Diapers aren't for everyone. They aren't that bad, but some people just can't do it. I get that. Babies are tiny and strange and then they poop, and you're always in danger of some unexpected P&P during a diaper change. Accept that, though, and the diaper-changing experience can be a fun one. And I'm not just saying that so you'll change her diaper.

Every now and then she'll have a diaper that you think might kill you with its stench, and every now and then she'll have one that actually smells good to me. (I accept that this is weird and is probably unique to me as her mother - but hey, no complaints here. I'll take a sweet one over a stinky one any day.)

ANYWAY. I am constantly surprised by the things that I've learned and experienced during this mom gig. She's way more magical than I ever knew she'd be. It never occurred to me that changing her diaper could be a bonding experience, as weird as it sounds. It's comforting for me, also, to know that she has a way to bond with loved ones who aren't me.

There's always excitement happening in Reghanland these days.

Like now... Gotta go change a diaper.

She Needs Me (I Need Her)

Baby girl, take it one day at a time...

Maya looks up at me and a tear escapes her eye and rolls down the side of her face. I wipe it away as I sing to her. The frown on her face fades a little as her eyes slowly close. If she were able to talk, I'm sure she'd tell me how tired she is and how much she hates it.

...you can't just grow up overnight...

It breaks my heart to see her so upset, to hear her cry, to watch tiny tears fall down her face. She wimpers a little as her cries fade, and I'm glad I get to be the one that comforts her. I'm glad I get to hold her little body in my arms and sing her songs and comfort her in a way that no one else can.

Baby girl, I know you're feeling butterflies...

I kiss her little cheek, risking stirring her, but I can't resist. She will only be so small for so long, and I don't want to deprive myself of one kiss or hug or goodnight song. I love being able to hand her to a loved one when I want to shower, or eat, or go to the bathroom. But I miss her every second of that time and I don't even question how that is possible.

...but everything will be alright...

At the end of my life, I'll be grateful for every time I got to rock her to sleep.

Everything will be alright.