Last year, I had a baby. I also had postpartum depression. I originally talked about my experience with PPD in a previous post.
The thing about postpartum depression when you're on an antidepressant is that you feel normal, for the most part... but I still wondered every day if I would ever be able to get off of it. I'd accidentally miss a day and think I'd surely never be able to stop taking it if only one missed dose could allow so much negative emotion to slip through. This is why it's almost unbelievable today for me to say I'm officially off the medication completely.
OH, if I could sit and talk with my past self!*
In part, I wanted to give an update in case anyone might be wondering how this has been going. Mostly, though, I am sure there are chicks out there just like me who think they are the only one. They might feel alone, and if they're like I was, they'd be searching the internet all the time to try and find comfort, to find someone who can tell them that they're going through it too and not to worry and to call your doctor and that this! takes! time! You aren't a bad mom for feeling sad instead of happy. You aren't a failure because you can't will yourself out of the darkness. And taking medication for it can be scary but many times it's necessary to be able to take care of yourself and your baby/babies.
This is what I wish I could go back and tell myself, but my experience is what it is, and I've made peace with that. I was still happy and grateful and ME underneath it all, but I couldn't dig that far.
Now, I do wonder if I'll have depression with future babies, but it's a much different situation now. I look forward to experiencing a new baby without it, and I'm much more aware to handle it more quickly if it does happen. AND now that my experience is all out there in the open, it's not nearly as scary of a thought.
*I'd really like to talk to my future self, too. All of us could do a HIMYM-style acapella number, which would be worth it even without any insight into life.
The thing about postpartum depression when you're on an antidepressant is that you feel normal, for the most part... but I still wondered every day if I would ever be able to get off of it. I'd accidentally miss a day and think I'd surely never be able to stop taking it if only one missed dose could allow so much negative emotion to slip through. This is why it's almost unbelievable today for me to say I'm officially off the medication completely.
OH, if I could sit and talk with my past self!*
In part, I wanted to give an update in case anyone might be wondering how this has been going. Mostly, though, I am sure there are chicks out there just like me who think they are the only one. They might feel alone, and if they're like I was, they'd be searching the internet all the time to try and find comfort, to find someone who can tell them that they're going through it too and not to worry and to call your doctor and that this! takes! time! You aren't a bad mom for feeling sad instead of happy. You aren't a failure because you can't will yourself out of the darkness. And taking medication for it can be scary but many times it's necessary to be able to take care of yourself and your baby/babies.
This is what I wish I could go back and tell myself, but my experience is what it is, and I've made peace with that. I was still happy and grateful and ME underneath it all, but I couldn't dig that far.
Now, I do wonder if I'll have depression with future babies, but it's a much different situation now. I look forward to experiencing a new baby without it, and I'm much more aware to handle it more quickly if it does happen. AND now that my experience is all out there in the open, it's not nearly as scary of a thought.
*I'd really like to talk to my future self, too. All of us could do a HIMYM-style acapella number, which would be worth it even without any insight into life.
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